A Typical Day for Dora
by WilliamL
Summary: Just another normal day in Dora's adventurizing life. Yes, it does include the farting Maps, giant poop and a weird gizmo… (This is a crackfic, and should not be taken seriously.)
1. Numero Uno: The Adventure Starts

_{Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the Dora universe. Anyone who does will soon wish they hadn't!}_

One day, Dora was outside doing her… exploring stuff, while her blue pet monkey Boots tagged along behind her.

'Any sign of the Rock of ROFLness yet?' Boots asked Dora, his red boots scraping against the yellow-ish road they always seem to walk on.

'Nope,' replied Dora, 'not just yet. Wait! I see something!'

'Really?' Boots squinted at the horizon to try to get a closer look.

'Yes! It's coming up fast now!'

'Where? Where?' Boots screamed.

'I can see it now! It's yellow, all right! It's – the road!'

Boots facepalmed and counted to ten under his breath.

'Of **course** you can see the road Dora. It's beneath us. We are **walking** on the road.'

'Well at least it's a step closer to finding the Rock of ROFLcopter!'

Boots rolled his eyes. Honestly, Dora couldn't do _anything_ right.

'The Rock of ROFLness, Dora.'

'Oh. Right. I knew that.'

Boots gestured to Dora's Backpack.

'Should we check our next stop on the way?'

'Alright,' Dora said. 'Let's see now…' She took her backpack off her head and grabbed the Map. Suddenly a huge green cloud of smelly gas floated up in Dora's face.

'I _told_ you not to pull my little finger,' the Map shouted angrily.

'Sorry…mmph…' Dora mumbled, trying not to puke.

'Alright Map,' Boots said, grabbing the Map from the puking Dora and opening it up. 'Where should we go next?'

'Well…' said the Map, for really he was terrible when it came to directions, 'You have to go up to the Troll's Bridge, past the Big Dog Poop On The Sidewalk, and then you'll be at the Rock of ROFLness! Repeat after me. Bridge, Poop, Rock. Bridge, Poop, Rock. Bridge, Poop, Rock. Bridge, Poop, Ro—'

'ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT!' screamed Boots. 'I know where to go!'

The Map instantly died of shock and crumbled to dust.

'So Boots,' said Dora, after making a huge vomit-y mess on the road, 'where should we go?'

Boots took his eyes off the Map Dust. 'Well, we have to go through the Troll's Bridge and past the Big Dog Poop On The Sidewalk.'

'Well.' Dora remarked. 'Let's gooooo-_woah!_' she said, right before slipping on the vomit and landing in a huge smelly heap on the road. 'Well shoot.'


	2. Numero Dos: Trolling Around

We left Dora in a huge vomit-y heap on the ground and Boots cursing in frustration. Time to return to the story! {I do not own any of the characters in this, but I'm sure you already know that.}

After Boots had cleaned all the vomit off Dora, they set off again. Their first port of call was the Troll's Bridge.

When they got there, the Troll was, of course, standing in the middle of the bridge looking like he had a cold shower that morning.

'Oy!' he shouted when Dora and Boots reached the bridge. 'You're not going ANYWHERE until you solve this riddle!'

'What riddle is it?' said Boots, perking up. He loved a good riddle.

'**This** one!' shouted the Troll. 'What has four legs, but can't walk, and has feathers?'

Dora thought. And thought. And thought some more. She was thinking of walruses.

'Well?' the Trolololol, sorry, the Troll said. 'Aren't you going to answer it? If you can't, then you bloody might as well clear off.'

Dora frowned. 'Too hard!' She pulled out a gun and shot him in the arm. Blood spattered out of it like a leak in a swimming pool. The Troll staggered to one side – and promptly fell off the bridge. There was a splattering sound. Boots preferred not to look at the grisly sight.

Dora put the gun back in her backpack – she accidentally pulled the trigger. Her Backpack was blown apart. All her tools flew out – a bit of string, some sand, a shovel, Phineas and Ferb, and a piece of belly lint. Dora ran off and stared at the lint. 'Nooooo!' she cried. 'You were my first friend. I still remember pulling you out when I was a baby.'

'You still are,' muttered Boots. He'd had enough of all this. He gestured to the other side of the bridge. 'C'mon.'

Dora took one last glance at her treasured belly lint, and, with tears in her eyes, ran up to Boots.

'Come,' said Boots.

They walked across the bridge.


	3. Numero Tres: Swiper No Swiping!

_{I NO OWN DRA. SIMPLES?}_

_{I'll make this chapter extra long for you guys, alright? There's a The Looney Tunes Show reference in here, I bet you'll spot it.}_

As Dora and Boots (minus Map and Backpack) walked across the yellow-ish road to the Big Dog Poop On The Sidewalk, something slinky and slithery and Swipery sneaked across the bushes at the side of the road.

'How long will it be 'till we reach the Poop?' Dora asked Boots.

'Hmm…' said Boots, looking at his banana wristwatch, 'About eleven minutes.'

'ELEVEN MINUTES? That's FOREVER. I want it to be here now!' shouted Dora.

Suddenly the creators of Dora up in the sky heard Dora's wishes and snapped their fingers.

WHIZZ! BANG! WHAZZ! KABOOM!

And the Big Dog Poop on the Sidewalk suddenly appeared on the sidewalk in front of Dora and Boots.

Dora's eyes widened and she looked at her hands. 'I'm a wizard,' she murmered.

Boots pointed at the Poop. 'Well, here we are,' he said.

Dora looked up. There it was alright, the Big Dog Poop on the Sidewalk, and it was as big and smelly and… dog-poop-ish as ever.

Dora handed Boots a box of clothespegs. 'Here, put these on. I tell you now, you will need them.'

'We're not going to go _through_ the poop again, will we?' Boots cried, putting on the clothespeg. He knew the dangers of crossing through the Poop.

'Of course,' Dora said, putting on her clothespeg. Suddenly there was a Swiperish voice:

'He he he he he! Not _this_ time you won't!'

Dora asked the kids, 'Do you see Swiper over here?'

The kids texted on their mobiles, 'H3's ß3h1nd U.'

Dora looked behind her. 'Heebie-Jeeby Lemon-Squeezy! Swiper!'

Swiper grinned. It was time for the fun to begin.

'That's right! And you're not going anywhere, you're not! Drop the box of clothespegs!'

Boots thought, _Really! He could steal anything in the world, and he chooses a box of clothespegs! Sometimes I wonder if anybody else here is actually sane._

'I said DROP IT!' Swiper shouted.

Dora was about to say, 'Swiper no swiping!' when she remembered that she was a wizard. She pointed her finger at Swiper, but instead of saying 'Swiper no swiping!' she shouted:

'Lightning Strike!'

Nothing happened. Dora looked at her hand in disbelief. Were her wizardy powers fading already? She tried it again.

'Lightning STRIKE!'

Swiper rolled his eyes. Dora tried it again. And again. And again. She finally grudgingly accepted that she was a wizard no more. She started to say, 'Swiper no swip—'

But it was too late. Swiper swiped the bag and threw it over his head, saying 'Ha ha ha! You'll NEVER find it now!' Still cackling to himself, he scampered off.

Dora's jaw dropped. Boots sighed. Swiper had done it again.

But there was no time to organize a search-and-rescue party. There was exploring to be done.

They walked towards the Poop, trying to find the entrance.

'I found it!' Boots shouted. Dora rushed towards him to get a look. Sure enough, there was a big tunnel-like entrance. Boots walked inside. Dora followed.

Then something happened there that would change their lives…

_(Ooooh, cliff-hanger! I'll start writing the next chapter soon…I would really like some more reviews for this though, guys! T.T)_

_(That is all.)_


	4. Numero Quadro: The Weird Gizmo

{If I owned Dora, I would fire the writers and the show would end up like this.} {I wish I owned Dora…}

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><p>Picking up from where we went off…<p>

Then something happened that would change their lives…

A little bunny was walking across the path that Dora and Boots were traveling through while walking through the Big Dog Poop on the Sidewalk.

'Oooooo, bunny!' Dora screeched. She ran off to chase the bunny and ended up getting stuck in the poop. Boots had to pull really hard to make Dora get out. And I mean REEEEAAAALLLLYYYY hard.

'Yeuck!' Dora's nose wrinkled. 'That poop really stinks!'

'So does this silly adventure,' Boots mumbled under his breath. He continued walking.

'Um, Boots?'

Boots turned around. 'Yeah?' He saw Dora clutching her trousers and dancing around. 'Hey, nice dance, Dora!'

Dora clutched her trousers harder. 'No—Boots—I—need—to—go…'

Boots looked surprised for a while. Then he sighed. 'Fine, Dora, scamper off in the bushes somewhere where nobody will see you.'

Dora looked relieved, and scamper off she did.

Boots sighed, and wiped the sweat off his forehead. At least things wouldn't get worse.

Suddenly there was a huge CCRRAASSHHIINNGG sound. A spaceship had landed on the peak of the Poop. The spaceship was smothered with brown stuff. Boots sighed. Nobody did anything right in this screwed-up world.

A door opened in the spaceship and a little astronaut walked out. He looked around, getting his bearings. Then he looked down. 'Ew,' he said. He scraped the sole of his boot off the side of the spaceship until the poop on his boot was gone. Then he went back in. But before he did, he threw a little device into the air behind him. It landed with a clang on the ground beside Boots. He looked up, trying to ask the astronaut something. But the spaceship was already hurtling through space once more.

Boots walked up to the device and picked it up, wondering was it was. He examined it closely. It was a little box with a button on it. He saw Dora, who was pulling her pants up. It wouldn't come up properly. It was stuck. She pulled harder and harder, but all that did was tighten it more. She was so fat that her pants wouldn't fit!

Bots ran over to help her. He had to cut off the belt, but at least it worked. He just hoped nobody would laugh at her underpants showing for at least another month until she exercised.

'What's that you got there?' Dora said.

Boots held up the gizmo. 'What, this?'

'Yeah. What does it do?'

Boots frowned and looked at the gizmo again. 'I don't know.'

Then he saw the label.

Both of them stood there, wide-eyed in wonder.

For what the label on the gizmo said was – "Astronaut Summoning Device".

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><p>{I really got you guys on the edge of your fancy revolving chairs, haven't I? I'll get started on the next chapter tomorrow. But for now, I really need to sleep… - _- Zzzzzzz.}<p> 


	5. Numero Cinco: Snacktime!

_{Well hello there! I, FunnyGuy2000, King of Dora Crackfics, am back and ready to continue writing! Were you all warmed up with suspense from the last chapter? WERE YOU? **WERE YOU?**}_

_{Well good, because the mystery continues with CHAPTER FIVE!}_

_{DISCLAIMER: No. Just no.}_

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><p>' "Astronaut Summoning Device", eh?' Boots said. 'I wonder what it does…'<p>

Dora pointed to the back of the ASD. 'How about looking at the big list of plain-to-see instructions helpfully seated at the back of the device?'

Boots raised an eyebrow. 'Yeah… alright.' He turned the device around to the back and tore off the instructions.

"**Astronaut Summoning Device Instructions"**, it said.

Boots read on.

**Press the button and speak into the microphone at the top of the device, and the Astronaut will come and help you on your way! But you can only use it three times, so beware!**

Boots reached the end of the instructions. He gave it to Dora. Dora read it. She pressed the button.

'I want a new pair of pants, BIYATCH!' she shouted into the mic.

Suddenly the little Astronaut Boots had seen appeared in a flash of bubbles. He clapped his hands and a pair of pants appeared in front of Dora.

'Ooo, lumme!' she cried out. She tried them on – and was shocked to discover that these pants fitted even tighter then her old pair.

She spoke into the microphone again. 'I want it to be bigger.'

The astronaut clapped his hands again and the pants rose to twice Dora's size.

Dora spoke into the microphone again. 'No, I want it to be a size XXL, please.' For, as you see, Dora was very fat.

The Astronaut turned around and farted – and the pants shrunk to its proper size.

'Thank you!' Dora smiled an ugly smile and put her new pair of pants on.

Boots took the ASD. He spoke into the microphone. 'How can we get to the Rock of ROFLne—'

The ASD exploded in Boots' face.

Dora turned around to look at Boots. His hair was smoldering and his face was burnt all over.

Boots looked disgruntled. 'Oh yeah. I forgot. You used up all the goes.'

Dora looked down at her new pants. 'Well at least I got a proper-fitting pants out of it!'

'Oh. That reminds me. Snack break.' Boots took a big suitcase out of the seat of Dora's pants and opened it.

Oh, the glorious snacks that were there! There were five hamburgers, six bags of Chicken McNuggets, ten king-sized chocolate bars, two jumbo packs of marshmallows, a bacon-wrapped turkey, and a banana. Boots took his share of the snack out – the banana. He unpeeled the skin according to proper etiquette standards, and started to eat.

Dora shoved the hamburgers in her mouth, poured in the bags of McNuggets after that, minced up the chocolate bars one by one, ate the bags of marshmallows whole, and demolished the turkey. Boots grimaced at the sight as he finished up his banana.

'Well, snack-time's over,' he said. He got up, and started to walk. 'C'mon, Dora.'

Dora couldn't get up. She was so fat, she wasn't even able to move her arms and legs!

'Well…' Boots said. 'I'll go and hire a tow truck.' He ran to the nearest city.

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><p><em>{What will happen to Dora after Boots hires the tow truck? Will they ever reach the rock of ROFLness? Will Boots ever find true love? No wait. Scratch that last one...}<em>

_{Well all will be revealed in the next chapter in A Typical Day for Dora! Stay tuned!}_


	6. Numero Seis: Kidnapped!

_(Well good day, peoplez! I, FG2000, King of Dora Crackfics, am back with another chapter! I hope you enjoy this, and that it's more **randomOMGLAWLZamazing** than ever!)_

_(DISCLAIMER: Those stupid solicitors still don't get the fact that I do not own Dora, nor will I ever want to. I CAN'T KEEP TYPING THESE DISCLAIMERS FOREVER, YOU KNOW.)_

* * *

><p>The tow truck had been designed to carry cars, trucks, and tractors of any size. It was built to withstand hundreds of pounds of weight, and it had done its job well, so far.<p>

However, it had never encountered Dora before.

The driver(which looked suspiciously like Swiper, but I'm not telling you that till later, ha ha ha) gritted his teeth as he floored the accelerator as much as he could. Yet the tow truck still moved sluggishly as it tried to pull hundreds of pounds of Dora. She was almost like a round, squishy ball after the massive snack-time, and Boots had rushed to the nearest city to get a tow truck, but not before Dora had eaten all the picnic baskets and most of the road too.

Boots sat at the top of the tow truck, taking in his surroundings. He could spot the Rock of ROFLness in the distance, like a massive black nothing of ballishness. He glanced at Dora and made a mental note to save money for the liposuction after all this was over.

Suddenly the tow truck stopped. Boots looked inside the driver's cab.

'What's going on? Why have we stopped?'

'There's too much weight on board. Dora's just too fat!' the driver said.

Boots narrowed his eyes. 'How did you know her name?'

The driver was wearing a balaclava, and as he took it off, Boots could see a nose, a mouth, and eyes.

It looked a lot like… a face.

But whose face was it?

Suddenly Boots mentally snapped his fingers. Of course! It was the face of an animal. How could he have been so stupid?

And then he (took an arrow to the knee) got whacked in the face with a bat, and fell off the roof of the car, unconscious.

The driver chuckled. 'Heh heh heh heh heh! You'll _never_ catch me now!'

Swiper floored the accelerator once again, and the tow truck continued its way to the Rock of ROFLness.

But in a different direction.

* * *

><p>Boots woke up. The world spun around him. He groaned.<p>

'Where am I?' He stood up. All he could see was masses of jungle and squirrels and breadbins. No sign of civilization.

Suddenly he gasped as two hands clutched tightly around his blue monkey throat. He coughed and spluttered.

'You will come with me,' the… _thing_ said. 'You will walk with me to HQ. If you even think about running away, remember that your throat is in my hands.'

Boots nodded slightly. He didn't have much movement in his head now that he couldn't move his neck.

'Good. Now come,' the thing said. 'There's somebody I know who wants to see you.'

They continued their walk through the unknown.

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><p><em>(OooooOOOoooh, cliffhanger! Sorry if this was so short, this really is a filler chapter to be honest. I'll try to update ASAP, which should be easy now that I'm on my Easter break! Yaaay!)<em>


	7. Numero Siete: The Entrance

_{Hello there everybody. My name is Me, and I, myself, am about to treat you to a long-awaited chapter of A Typical Day for Dora!}_

_{Signed, WilliamL (me)}_

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><p>The guard and the monkey continued through the forest.<p>

Boots was getting tired. He had asked the guard twice already if he could go to the toilet, and the guard had refused on both counts. Where was he going, anyway? It was easy to get lost in the forest. He remembered a terrible story he had heard before, about a famous explorer called Wilhelm von Jiggles who had announced he was going into a forest. A rescue crew found his body five hours later. And he hadn't even gone into the forest yet.

The forest is always a dangerous place to be around. Remember that, kids.

But finally, Boots the Aptly-Named Unnaturally Blue Monkey found that he was no longer surrounded by the forest anymore; rather a giant hole that went down as far as the eye could see, and then further, stretched out in front of him.

The guard stopped, and pushed Boots back with his hand.

'This,' said the guard slowly, 'is where you're going. Jump down.' He stood back.

'Phew,' Boots said. He suddenly started peeing into the hole. 'Aaaahh...'

The guard didn't seem to notice what Boots was doing until now.

'Wha-?' He turned three shades of purple. 'What are you DOING?!' he screamed, racing towards Boots. 'That's the main entrance to the facility! It's a confidential and sterile area, you can't... I never...' Words failed him.

The guard picked Boots up and threw him into the hole. 'Good riddance!' he fumed.

'I wasn't finished yeeeeeett..' cried Boots as he fell through the hole.

He landed hard on something wet. 'Ouch!' Boots shouted. He got up, slipping a few times, and saw that he had landed on his own pee.

'Euch.' Boots grimaced, wiping off some of the shiny wet stuff off of his arms.

He was lying in a dark room. Apart from the giant hole he had fallen into, there was no light coming into the room. He could make out a door in the darkness.

'Ooh, a door!' Boots thought. He started walking towards the door, not knowing the terrible things that would happen...

* * *

><p><em>{Yes, I'm afraid that this is yet another cliffhanger. Thanks guys for helping me get through this, especially those who favourited it and are following it right now! You help me so much, I-<em>

**WAIT.**

**THERE'S MORE.**

After Boots opened the door, he found himself in a hallway. After walking along it for a while, he noticed a door in front of him - with the message 'CONTAINMENT FACILITY ENTRANCE' printed on top of it in capital letters. BIG capital letters.

He opened the door to find himself in front of another guard.

'Freeze!' the guard said. 'The Boss has told me all about you and your tricks. Don't try any of them on me now, or else you'll-'

He looked down.

A dead blue monkey was at his feet.

He prodded it with his boot, to make sure if it really was dead. He got up, satisfied, and made his way towards the door.

After the guard had left, a shadow that looked surprisingly like a Very Weird-Looking And Annoying Type Of Monkey got out from its hiding place. It dragged the dead monkey out into the shadows, and walked out, revealing its true identity.

Why, it was Toto, the World's Smelliest Talking Baboon!

Not really. I wish it was though. That would be awesome.

'This "Boss" might have told him some of my tricks,' Boots cackled, 'but he didn't tell him about my greatest one. Who knew that cloning myself would save my life?'

* * *

><p><em>{Yes, Boots can do that. How else do you think he can always appear, at all hours, clean and wearing boots? Obviously Dora had never looked in the basement closet back at home, otherwise Mama would have sent him away long ago.}<em>

_{Thanks so much for giving this story recognition! I really owe you one!}_


	8. Numero Ocho: Turning The Doorknob

_{Man, I haven't updated this in FOREVER. Here, have another chapter. I know you've all been waiting for one.}_

_{I'm not even going to type a disclaimer here. This isn't 2011 anymore.}_

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><p>The door read 'CONTAINMENT FACILITY ENTRANCE' in capital letters.<p>

Which is kind of obvious. You already read that line in the last chapter.

Boots stared at the door in complete silence. Seriously. He just stared at it, and the door stared back at him. Was it taunting him? Daring him to open it? Boots would never know. (SPOILER: It wasn't. Doors can't do that.)

Finally Boots looked down at his banana wristwatch after a long ogling session and noticed that four hours had passed.

'Whoops,' he said nonchalantly. 'Better not do that again.'

Stretching out his floppy blue monkey arm towards the doorknob, Boots braced himself for what was about to happen next.

He grasped the doorknob in his hand. The doorknob said 'DON'T OPEN ME,' in a squeaky voice. Boots wasn't listening. He turned it, slowly, inch by slow inch, the door creaking as it jostled open, revealing...

No, sorry, my mistake. The door didn't open.

'Curses!' Boots shouted out, like a wizard would. He considered, briefly, the thought of using a wizardy spell to make the door open. But then he realised that was a stupid thing to think. Come on Boots. You're supposed to be the sane one in this story.

Instead he thought. If the door wouldn't open by pushing, it might open by... pulling! Boots commended himself forthwith for thinking up such an awesome idea.

Quickly grasping the doorknob with excitement (he couldn't wait to try out his idea) Boots turned his wrist and pulled the door outwards. It actually opened this time (I'm not lying), and Boots saw what was on the other side of the door, clear as day.

It was a wall. Nailed to the wall was an oversized spring-loaded red boxing glove. It promptly sprung out and punched Boots full in the face. He was sent flying backwards, and skidded a bit as he landed on the pristine white floor.

Come on, don't tell me you didn't totally see that coming.

After this unfortunate incident, the guard from the end of the last chapter, this time accompanied by a colleague, hurried to Boots' limp monkey body. His red boots, surprisingly, resisted the impact, staying on his feet. (That's because they're indestructable. We'll get into that later.)

'We've located the accomplice. Should we bring him in?' one of the guards spoke into their walkie-talkie.

'Oh, certainly,' a swipery voice replied from the speaker. 'They'll never find us now!'

The Boss cackled.

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><p><em>{That's all I've got right now. I'll write the next chapter whenever I can. I'm not setting myself a deadline because come on, you know I'll never be able to meet it. Ever. In time.}<em>

_{Until then, stay classy. -William}_


End file.
